The same argument, or a quiet distance

Conversations that turn within a minute. Careful subjects that are steered around. Long stretches of politeness that feel further apart than the arguments did.

Often both people believe they have explained themselves clearly and neither feels heard, which is usually a sign that the argument is no longer about its stated subject.

Most couples are not short of love. They are short of a way to have a difficult conversation that does not end badly, so they stop starting them.

Each avoided conversation is a small relief and a slightly wider gap. Over a few years the gap becomes the normal distance, and the original subject is long gone.

We slow the exchange down enough to see its shape: what sets it off, who withdraws, who pursues, and what each of you is protecting. That pattern is usually more workable than either person expected.

From there we work on being able to say the hard thing without it becoming a fight, and on repair after one. Where an old hurt or a breach of trust is sitting underneath, that is addressed directly rather than managed around.

Mostly listening. If you come together, both of you get uninterrupted time. I ask what brought you now, how long it has been like this, and what each of you would want to be different.

I cannot promise a particular outcome, and I would be cautious of anyone who does. What usually changes first is how the two of you talk to each other, which is what makes everything else possible.